Grieving The Loss of a Child and Aftermath

It was the 21st of August 2017, The day we experienced the solar eclipse. I was told that in the Guatemalan culture, a woman should not be exposed to a solar eclipse. They say wear red underwear and a metal safety pin in your underwear to protect yourself and the baby. The advice went on with carry a red cloth and lay in bed until the eclipse is over. I didn't follow any of this advice and it's ironic that even after so many years; certain things play in your mind.

I was 26 years old. After 2 years of marriage, I got the most wonderful news. We were pregnant and “OUR LITTLE BEAN” was on its way. We were very excited and very nervous. The thought of bringing a little life into the world was a very challenging and foreign concept as new parents. I was 8 weeks, pregnant and was under a lot of stress, driving long hours to work, working, going to University. It was a challenging time.

I remember the day after the eclipse, I walked into the restroom of the office I worked at. I realized I had starting spotting and tried remaining calm. I remember marching into my manager's office with tears in my eyes telling him that I needed to leave. I called my husband and we headed to the emergency room.

At the time I was holding back all negative thoughts, but after several blood tests, two ultrasounds, and the dreading answer from the staff saying, "The doctor will answer all questions or concerns." I knew something wasn't right. The doctor stepped in right after all of the procedures and exams. He informed me that the HCG hormone was still in my body. He also mentioned that the ultrasound showed the gestational sac. However, it was pretty small and it was hard to determine whether it was too early to see a heartbeat or if there just wasn’t any heartbeat at all. That night I was in excruciating pain both physical and emotional. I laid in bed as I went through pains and feelings of our first miscarriage. I felt defeated.

There is no time limit on loss and no words that can help you process loss faster. Many people will come and try to give you words of encouragement. Or say things such as: “At least you didn’t meet the baby, it’s worst when you do.” “Hey, it will all get better in time.” “You’ll still have more children.” “I’ll pray for you!” Those are some of the nicer things you hear. But to be honest at that point in time. I didn’t want to hear anything. I just wanted to be alone. I didn’t want no one flooding my space. I felt uncontrollable sadness and the idea that people would come into my space with “words of encouragement” were just a constant reminder that I had lost my child.

I had heard of the stages of grief but going through them as you read about them was completely different. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross introduces the stages of grief in her 1969 book On Death and Dying.She talks about 5 stages of grief being: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression and Acceptance. Here is my experience and process through these 5 stages.

DENIAL

The first stage was prominent in my life, as I was leaving the hospital. In my heart I knew something was wrong. However, I chose to believe that the HCG hormone was still in my body. I also chose to believe that it was too early to find a heartbeat. My heart wanted to believe that there was still hope. We all want to find hope during a time like this.

ANGER

After my miscarriage, I was indeed hurt, which cause an intense feeling of anger, animosity and bitterness in my life. “Had they just told me I was going through a miscarriage and not given me hope. That would have change things!” I thought to myself often. I was often angered by the idea that parents often complained about their children. I was enraged by the neglect I observed in abusive parents. The thought of "Why is it that these people get to have children to neglect them?" Around the same time a lot of my friends got pregnant. Some expressed happiness about their pregnancy and others express feelings of distress. Although I was happy for them, I resented the fact that I couldn’t have one of my own and this made me very unhappy.

BARGAIN

During the same time, I started having the “what if” thoughts. “What if I had not been working so hard. What if I had followed the Eclipse advise? What if I had stayed home? What if I had worn red, and worn the safety pin? What if the doctors would have told me that I was going through a miscarriage? There were so many things I played in my mind. It could have been the most irrational thoughts in my head. But I often, questioned myself about all my choices. I often asked myself what I could have done different. But this constant strain with yourself can lead you to a very difficult stage in your life.

DEPRESSION

Depression can come in many shapes and forms. I was extremely sad and felt helpless. I had major anxiety and was frustrated. I wanted to just wake up from this horrible nightmare. The gifts I had already received for the baby were constant triggers. The pictures of the ultrasounds. I think I really gave power to my depression. I hated going out, all I wanted to do was sleep. I didn’t want to talk to anyone about anything. I resented myself and those who were around me. A lot of my relationships took a shift during this time. I was tired of having to excuse myself for saying the wrong thing. I didn’t want to be apologetic. I just wanted to feel sad and powerless. I felt that no one had the right to tell me how long I’ll feel like this. No one had the right to tell me to cheer up. I didn’t want to be told to eat or that I looked like a mess. Nothing I told myself or others would ever bring my child back.

ACCEPTANCE

It took years before I can come to terms with all my pain. As a matter a fact, I think after all these years a bit of me reminisces and thinks of what it could be. Even as a I sit here writing this piece of my heart; I still do it with a heavy heart. The loss of my baby was definitely one of the most challenging chain of events in my life. However, with loss also came an infinite amount of love! Love without compare for my children and those that surround me, patience, and understanding. I am not a perfect mother! But the loss of my child made me appreciate the time and love I have for my babies! Yes, it changed my view on parenting and it brought so much growth into my life. God bless the broken roads that have lead me to where I am now.

My hope with this post is that if there is anyone out there going through pain. Know that you are not alone! Know that you don’t have to explain yourself over and over and know that even as you’re going through the motions of whatever stage you’re in, you will grow through it. I also pray you experience love and that your pain will help you love unconditionally. I pray that you learn to remember with love instead of pain.