First Time Pregnancy After Loss

Pregnancy is the first phase in becoming a mother. No matter what’s your age, the color of your skin, culture, marital status, or your socio-economic status; The first successful pregnancy is always a big deal! Whether you planned a pregnancy or didn’t, there are a few things that you may experience. Perhaps you may have an influx of emotions just inundating every bit of you or maybe you feel changes in your body that you haven’t wrapped yourself around through this blog post I want to share my experience.

Being a mother after a miscarriage can be extremely challenging. For me it was acknowledging that there were symptoms I could not ignore. Right around the first series of symptoms, I took my first pregnancy test. The first one didn’t show a double line right away. I fell asleep and as I woke up the next day and looked in the trash; I can I see a very faint line. My heart was pumping so hard and after that day, I tested every day for a whole week. I did maybe three or four tests a day. Every day, I kept seeing that test line getting darker and darker.

My emotions were all over the place. The biggest emotion in my life at that point in time was fear. I remember constantly telling myself, “You can’t mess this up.” “If it’s meant to be, it will be!” but none of those thoughts put me at ease. After longing to experience motherhood for so long, was it really happening? I was scared out of my mind. I knew well that at any point in time this wonderful sentiment could come to an end. I dreaded this idea. I played many scenarios in my mind of the wonderful things I could look forward to as a mother. But a lot of that was clouded by a dark cloud I could not shake away.

In my heart, I knew I wanted this more than life itself. But these morbid thoughts lingered in my mind. Telling me, “Don’t tell anyone because if you do and you miscarry you will only bring other people’s pity upon you.” I hated people telling me how sorry they were for my loss. But by far, the biggest fear, stood upon the idea that I would lose my beloved child again.

I remember all these thoughts lingered in my mind for a very long time and out of fear I chose to not tell anyone. I chose to keep quiet at least until the first trimester was over. If this child would be mine, then I’d keep my baby close to my heart. Where nothing or no one, can take my little baby away. I dwelled on the idea that if we made it past the 1sttrimester we would be in a better position. We’d be safe! With the exception of my family and some staff at work, I didn’t tell a soul.

Around this time, we had a friend of our family visit from Spain. He was a preacher that was coming to visit my dad’s church. On the Saturday of his stay, we went to church and listened to his sermon. In the middle of his sermon, he stopped and looked at me and said, “Don’t be afraid, the son you bear in your womb will be a prophet.” You will be his mother and guide him through his journey. No one in church knew about my pregnancy and I was overwhelmed by his words. I remember my husband just squeezed my hand and hugged me. I left the church that night with a different mindset but also in haste.

I wasn’t afraid anymore. Many asked me questions about my pregnancy and although I wasn’t very extensive with my words, I started to embrace the sweet idea that I would become a mother. I know for some, faith may be a difficult pill to swallow, but faith at that point in time brought me peace and reassurance. After that I started to plan. I started buying new clothes for my growing body but most importantly, I started buying clothes for my little child. The one thing I was the most afraid of doing.

Soon enough, I started showing and I finally felt the glow. I felt happy and the overwhelming fear dissipated. Instead, it was replaced with gratitude and joy. It was replaced by an immense attitude of hope. I felt loved, I felt safe and I felt mental stability. It’s crazy what a set of kind words can do to assure a person.

I went to several doctor’s appointments, but after listening to that first heartbeat I was truly the happiest woman alive. I remember asking the ultrasound technician if I can record that heartbeat! It was the sound that calmed me down even during the most difficult nights. Specially those nights were I sat in bed by myself and counted the kicks and movements.

My first pregnancy was truly a healing time for me. It was the also a very empowering time where I was able to feel capable and strong. Every cramp in my womb that made me feel doubtful made me sit and reassure myself with the words, “Cramping without blood is ok because the baby is growing.” This was also a time, where I worked on patience and being alone.

My husband left for about a month in the transition of my sixth to seventh month, due to work. I won’t lie, during this time I regressed a bit. I felt lonely and a bit sad but NST’s kept me busy. It kept me focused and when he came back I felt ready to start nesting for my child, whom I had waited for.

I don’t know what your situation may be. I don’t doubt that it’s different than my experience. However, know that the first pregnancy will change your life. Make sure you are surrounded by people that love and care for you. Pregnancy can bring the biggest fear but it can also produce a time of empowerment. How you view things will change the outlook of the situation. Listen to your surroundings and trust yourself!

My hopes for anyone reading this is that you find your silver lining. I pray that whatever you are experiencing makes you strong, confident but more importantly gives you a sense of hope and gratitude. I pray that you may overcome the obstacles presented and that you too can find peace and healing.