First Time Mommy

All parents have a different type of journey when becoming first-time parents. Some can be happy, others can be sad, or a little unexpected, but a life changing experience overall. One always wonders how mothers do it, how they manage to work through feelings, emotions and the physical stress that overwhelm the mind and bodies during childbirth. However, as unimaginable as it can be, the joy of feeling your child on your chest, hearing that first loud cry is among the biggest sense of relief that any parent can experience. That first hour you spend with that little one is among the most beautiful moments you can ever wish for.

If magic exists it happens during that “golden hour.” Your senses heighten up and although you may be tired, you can’t let go. You can’t seem to find the right words to describe how you feel and in the screams of your new born child you find comfort. That first latch, the first suckling of your baby, their little faces as they make cooing sounds, the little eyes just slightly opening, their little hands and feet moving. It is such a surreal moment and for just an hour you get to experience that wonderful moment alone and unbothered.

Our son was born right before the pandemic started and although the hospital allowed to have up to seven people in the room; my husband and I allowed this moment to be as intimate as possible. We wanted to experience this moment alone. For years we had longed for it, and it was finally here. Needless to say, from the time of my induction to my birth we had 36 hours of inactive labor and 68 hours active of labor. That was 104 long hours, if we had someone there all that time, it would have added to all the complications and development we experienced.

Birthing a child can be hard but birthing a 9.10pound baby and an injury on your back can be extremely difficult. It was a complete recipe for excruciating pain that required an immense amount of anesthetics and an epidural. I started my induction at 7pm on a September 27. My son was born at 3am on October 1st. Naturally, it was not an easy wait and a very complicated labor. However, it was worth it. I had waiting 28 years of my life to meet that little person that now calls me mama. Despite of all the complications I had during this time, I was just grateful to have him in my arms. I was appreciative of the pain, the medication, my husband and all the staff in the room at the time of the delivery. He was truly a blessed little boy and I a blessed mother.

After giving birth to him and our bonding hour (golden hour) we got transported to the mother’s ward. On our way there, the transport nurses allowed us to ring a bell that symbolized the start of his life. I just remember sitting on that wheelchair feeling so exhausted, yet proud while holding him in my arms. Those few hours and days are truly among the most tiring days one can experience. The amount of sleep deprivation, as well as, the amount of lab tests to both you and your child can be overwhelming. Many women experience a clouding of consciousness or mental fog, which leads to feeling stressed. I remember feeling this way because our nurse would come in to draw blood every hour to either one of us. They asked a million questions and brought forms for us to fill in. At that point in time, I just wanted to have a successful latch for my son. I wanted to produce more milk and I wanted to take him home.

My son didn’t latch right away and due to the stress of labor my milk supply didn’t come soon. I remember having a fellow mother giving me advice during this time. I was so eager to breastfeed and seeing that she was successfully accomplishing this, I reached out for her advice. She told me don’t allow them to feed him formula! Once they take the nipple of the bottle, they will reject your breast. I took this advice to heart and tried so hard to up my milk supply with a manual pump. But after a week of pumping 2oz every hour, my son crying endlessly, and the feeling of engorged and sore breasts; I felt helpless. Once he had his one-week appointment, he was diagnosed with jaundice and had lost about 3 pounds.

They prescribed the UV light treatment for him, and I am forever thankful that our insurance covered for his in-home treatment. At this point, I felt irresponsible and defeated. Although, I was breastfeeding him every hour and following through with the directions provided, I was not providing my son with enough calories and therefore starving him. But after giving in to the idea of temporarily trying formula through the feeding tubes attached to my breast, we both recuperated strength and started to slowly recover our breastfeeding journey. I want to say that breastfeeding has been among the most challenging times I’ve experienced as a mother. But breastfeeding, really got me to understand my son. His needs, his body language and even the way he cried made my breast fill up.

During this time, I was also a bit on edge and a bit resentful with my husband. It really was the lack of experience and the lack of knowledge. I was under the impression that parents shared responsibilities, but I was stuck in the idea that if I didn’t breastfeed my baby my milk supply would be gone. Therefore, every time he was hungry, I would take it upon myself to get up and breastfeed. I felt my husband was not providing the support I needed, and I was often irritated with him. I can see how many couples lack efficient feeding techniques that can cause strain to their adult relationships. After some time, I acquired an electric pump and this was a life changing experience. My breast stopped feeling engorged and the pain stopped. I overproduced milk 6 oz from each breast at a time. I started to stockpile milk and that reduced the stress. My husband felt useful and I felt a little better about sleeping in. It really helped me understand that even though I felt like I was carrying the team in the beginning, we worked better together.

I am thankful for my husband, during the few weeks he was home, he really tried to make things better. It almost felt like we were getting to know each other again. But seeing him as a father, really has made me fall in love with him all over again. To see the displays of affection towards my son really made me understand that we had made a good choice in growing our little family. Among the sweetest moments of those crazy times; I remember the sleepless nights and my husband singing to our sweet baby boy a song named “Chachacha” by Jósean Log in his broken pitched voice, all while hugging my son and swaying with our chunky baby in his arms to make him go to sleep. Those are among the happiest memories I treasure in my heart because they made me the happiest first time mom.

There are many things that mothers can prepare for. But at the end of the day: the fancy room, the expensive crib, the high-end stroller, the beautiful maternity shoots, the decorations and even the fancy clothes and shoes you buy for your baby; not one single thing mentioned prepares you for motherhood. Motherhood is looking into those little eyes! It’s learning to communicate with your child without words. It is changing an immense amount of tiny diapers and clothes. It is learning their body language and their cries. It is becoming a light sleeper and prioritizing your child’s needs. Becoming a parent changes your world. Since becoming a mother to my son, I learned that sometimes my house won’t look perfect. I also learned that I will definitely won’t look perfect but as long as my child is fed, diapers are fresh and he is healthy; I have done enough!

Being a parent is no easy walk in the park. But it is a very rewarding experience. I hope you are able to laugh and to cry it out. I know those diaper explosions will be no easy task and will sometimes make you question your judgement. But I assure you, it will definitely create stories and anecdotes for you to laugh about. Even if your experience may be a difficult one, know that there is no one more grateful than that little person you get to cuddle with.

My prayer for you is that you find it in yourself to be forgiving to imperfection. That you accept that the expectations society has placed upon you is unrealistic and that it’s ok to make mistakes. I pray that you are able to listen to the advice people give you, yet use only what you need. Their words are not law and no one better than you can read your child’s need. I pray that you feel supported and that you have a great support system that makes you feel empowered and safe. But most importantly that you find happiness as a first time mommy or a first time parent.